I hope Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez know what they're doing.
Admittedly, this hope is selfish: I don't have the mental energy to spend the next few months keeping tabs on a relationship that has toggled between on-off-on-off-on-off-on-off more than a light switch in a bedroom of a child who is scared of the dark.
The love affair between Justin and Selena, or "Jelena" to their millions of fans, is an immortal jellyfish, a planarian flatworm, a Xenon-136 isotope, the Reconquista, a bristlecone pine: it refuses to die.
(Yes, I've been struggling to help my kids with their homework lately. Why do you ask? It is the bags under my eyes or my growing despondency?)
So has Jelena roared back to life like a hydra?
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Is Jelena a repeating decimal?
Based on the photographic evidence, the answer is, "Are owls nocturnal?"
Fresh off Gomez's breakup with The Weeknd — incidentally, is she contractually bound by a divine force to only date Ontarians? — Jelena has once again stormed popular culture. Jelena is everywhere. This wasn't the case a few months ago, when a photo of Jelena in public was harder to come by than an image of an alien autopsy.
These lovebirds are building a new nest in an old habitat.
Jelena is hanging out at sprawling mansions on idle Thursday nights. Jelena is sipping sodas in a café before church — hallelujah. Jelena is cuddling and giggling and staring into one another's eyes with identical expressions that roughly translate into, "This feels so right. I missed this. I missed you."
Is it gag-inducing? Perhaps. But who are we to judge, like Roman emperors?
Jelena is riding bikes through L.A. without helmets and wasn't it D.H. Lawrence who said recklessness is a sign of young love? Jelena is at a hockey scrimmage in which one half plays and the other half leaves the rink in the first half's sweaty jersey. If that's not love, then pin me down, beat me with a Styrofoam bat and force me to listen to "What Do You Mean?" on repeat.
Jelena can't quit Jelena. Jelena may outlast the cosmos.
At least, Jelena better so humanity can move on to the next era.
Me, I'm happy for these crazy kids because, if nothing else, this much is clear: they need one another. I didn't realize it until Friday, amid the avalanche of stories about how the relationship was back to "on." But they really are better off as a right angle than as non-intersecting lines. There is an obvious synergy, an interdependence, a symbiosis that recalls the Elysia viridis on brown algae.
Are you a grade-school tutor? If so, can we be friends?
Justin went off the deep end for a while there. Way off and way deep. He was getting into legal scraps and crossing international borders with undocumented monkeys. He was guzzling sizzurp and spitting on strangers and drag racing and egging neighbours and wasting away inside a menagerie of bad influences. He seemed utterly lost, a heavily tattooed vessel adrift in the chop of too much money and too little maturity.
But when he's with Selena, as he's been pretty much every second for the last two weeks, all those bad impulses vanish like fireflies at dawn. The Biebs is grounded. He is able to sit still while still radiating the sense of purpose of Columbus.
When she's nearby, Justin is at his best: 1 + 1 = twosome.
Selena, meanwhile, gazes at him in a way she doesn't stare at anyone else. Her eyes light up and stay as charged as fluorescent bulbs hooked into a gas generator during a blackout. Her smile never fades. It just keeps going up and down, as if powered by a piston. Despite a number of challenges in recent months, including a kidney transplant, Selena looks to have no worries at all when she's cycling behind Justin or nuzzling into his shoulder or riding shotgun in his SUV while draped in his smelly Devils jersey, shielding her face from the paparazzi while failing to conceal a toothy grin that glows behind her hand.
Jelena has a power few other celebrity couples possess.
Jelena exists in a universe of its own.
So while they are not officially back together, at least not yet, unofficially the images splashed across the entertainment sites this week bring Shakespeare to mind: "The course of true love never did run smooth."
Right you are, Bard.
In closing, if any of you can help me understand Grade 6 fractions, please come over this weekend and we will raise a glass to Jelena.
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