People were always coming up to my kids on the street when they were small, remarking to me how adorable they were and exclaiming, "That's such a cute age!"
I never knew what this expression meant until they were teenagers, and then I understood. Because teenager-hood was decidedly NOT a cute age.
Unless you consider sudden mood swings, door slamming, extreme self-centeredness, obsession with staring at phones, erratic driving, refusal to acknowledge your presence and inability to tolerate your touch to be adorable attributes. Call me crazy, but did not.
For the sake of my children's privacy, I often didn't share with you in this column the darker days of their teenage years, even though I would have liked to, knowing that lots of you out there were suffering, too. This led to many, many people telling me things like, "You're such a good mother," which they only said because they didn't know the truth.
For example, Curly Girl ran away from home twice for months at a time. I won't get into all the reasons why, but let's just say that it wasn't a joyful season. Happily, that's behind us.
And, even now, every time I drive past our local courthouse, I point out to my now-young-adult-children that I am far too well acquainted with its inner workings. I know where the coffee shop is. And the snack bar. And the bathroom. Even though I've never been arrested.
"Some parents make it through their entire lives without coming into contact with the juvenile justice system," I'll point out to them, as we cruise past the Temple of Justice, thinking of most of my friends, whose children's biggest dilemmas are generally which fine university they should attend, or what kind of car their parents should buy them.
"Yeah, well that's not us," my kids always remark, smirking, as the courthouse fades into the distance behind us. And I have to agree with that.
Amazingly, though, I have now lived through the worst of the Teenage Years, and I'm here to tell you: There is hope. You, too, will probably survive.
Now that they're young adults, I can share 11 benefits for allowing teenagers to live.
1 You always have a designated driver on call when you go out for margarita night with the girls.
2. Someday they may give you grandchildren which – as the joke goes – are God's reward for not strangling them when they were young.
3. There's always someone to explain the latest slang to you, so you don't embarrass yourself by using expressions like, "Come over and let's Netflix and chill" to your neighbor. (Netflix and chill means watching a movie and having sex.)
4. You never have to be frustrated using your phone for more than nine seconds, because your kid will snatch it out of your hand, roll his eyes, and solve whatever problem was causing your aggravation as if he'd spent a lifetime working for a mobile phone company.
5. There's a young, strong person around to do yard work for you, and you don't have to pay them.
6. They stop buying you dollar store perfume for holiday gifts, because their tastes have now matured to the expensive brands for themselves.
7. You always know all the latest gossip about celebrities you never heard of like Selena Gomez, Kendall Jenner and Justin Bieber. Who knew that Selena Gomez had a kidney transplant? They did. You can also point to any mystifying magazine cover in line at the grocery store and say, "Who on earth is that?" and they will know.
8. They can use YouTube videos to fix anything in your house. The interior door handle on my 2001 Toyota Corolla broke. Instead of spending $150 to get it fixed at the dealer, I ordered a $5.99 part online (thanks to the reader who tipped me off to this ) and my son, Cheetah Boy, watched a video on how to fix it. It took him three minutes.
9. Computers are not mystifying and terrifying objects to them. They are machines in the service of Man. "Come here, my computer is doing this," I will often implore any young adult who makes the mistake of walking by. After having to listen to a sigh and "Oh, mom," they will solve my issue with a couple of clicks.
10. They will find things. One day I could not find my car keys to save my life. I searched and searched and was beginning to panic. Finally, Curly Girl – who we call "The Finder" around our house for her amazing powers – walked in the door and I blurted out, "Thank heavens! Have you seen my car keys? I can't find them anywhere." She looked at me and said, "Have you checked your bra?" I stuck my hand near my heart and, oops, there were the keys. She just gave me the look and walked away.
11. You are forced to listen to music that was created after 1974. And, surprisingly, some of it is actually good.
Now, my friends who started this child-rearing thing before I did warn me that you never stop worrying about them, even when they're old. But, frankly, that's a small price to pay to have someone around who will fix my phone without having to stand in line at the Apple Store.
And, sometimes, they're even fun to be around.
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