Justin! Justin Timberlake. So nice of you to come back to Tampa. What's it been, 11 years? We've really missed you. The world's changed a lot since then, as you know. But we'll get to that in a second.
For now, please, have a seat. Can I get you a water? LaCroix? We've got coconut and pamplemousse. You a pamplemousse guy, Justin? No? You're good?
So as you know, we're here for your undecennial performance review. (That means once every 11 years. I looked it up just for you!) I have here your most recent review, from 2007, when you packed more than 18,000 fans into your last Tampa show. And, wow, is this thing glowing.
Back then, you were hot off FutureSex/LoveSounds, which is still your bestselling album. You had just won Grammys for My Love and SexyBack. Time was about to name you one of its 100 most influential people. You were the world's biggest pop star, male or female.
And now?
In 2018?
Are you sure I can't get you that LaCroix?
Look, Justin. We love what you do. You are a valued member of the pop music community. It's why you headlined this year's Super Bowl halftime show, why your new album Man of the Woods debuted at No. 1, why your concert Tuesday at Amalie Arena is virtually sold out.
But it's also pretty clear you're no longer the world's biggest pop star. You might not even be in the top 10. Beyoncé, Adele, Taylor Swift, Bruno Mars, Rihanna, Drake, Justin Bieber, Ed Sheeran, Katy Perry, the Weeknd — see, that's 10 right there.
People are talking, Justin. The New Yorker called your halftime show "oddly benign" and "eerily un-self-aware." Man of the Woods had its highs and lows — I've got some thoughts I'm happy to share — but it left a lot of people lukewarm. Your Metacritic scores are in the 50s, Justin. The pendulum of public perception is swinging.
Is it fair to ask if you're living up to your full potential? Is it fair of us to ask what went wrong?
Let's just dive into your evaluation, mmkay?
music
Strengths
Well, this has always been one of your strongest suits, right? Let's see here: 13 Top 10 singles, including the hands-in-the-air anthem Mirrors and the Oscar-nominated, Grammy-winning Can't Stop the Feeling!, which is probably your biggest hit ever. You didn't have either of those in your pocket the last time you came to Tampa. And parts of Man of the Woods (Breeze Off the Pond, Montana, Supplies) are actually pretty good. That shows hustle and initiative!
Weaknesses
I think we can all agree Can't Stop the Feeling! is not your finest work. It's Kidz Bop, and you know it. Also, I know you wanted to trade your slick blue-eyed soul for something a little more rustic and Southern on Man of the Woods, but outside of Say Something, your duet with Chris Stapleton, you don't push hard enough in that direction. As a result, the album feels more like treading water than you probably hoped.
Areas for improvement
Based on your amazing Tennessee Whiskey duet with Stapleton at the 2015 CMAs,there does seem to be a great country crossover album somewhere in your future. Start by releasing The Hard Stuff as a single to both pop and country radio. It would sound right at home alongside Sam Hunt and Thomas Rhett. Then shack up with Stapleton and his ace producer Dave Cobb, and really start chopping that firewood.
film and tv
Strengths
You had a nice run there at the start of this decade, appearing in The Social Network and Inside Llewyn Davis, and starring in the guilty-pleasure comedies Friends With Benefits and Bad Teacher. You're a good actor, man! I like that about you! In fact, I'll go a step further and say that you, J.T., are the single best host inthe history of Saturday Night Live. Tom Hanks, Alec Baldwin, Steve Martin — you trump 'em all. And that's an honor I don't concede lightly. (Am I pushing it if I also call D--- in a Box your actual best song? I am? Just a little? Cool, cool, I'll back off.)
Weaknesses
We need to see more of you, Justin. I know you poured a lot of yourself into Trolls, and as a result you now have an army of new 7-year-old fans. Parents everywhere thank you for that, occasionally through clenched teeth. But you've got to get back to showing that baby face on the big screen. Wonder Wheel, the woefully reviewed Woody Allen film you did last year for Amazon, isn't cutting it. Your agent should be FedExing you a new romantic comedy script every week. Get in a room with Anna Faris or Tatiana Maslany and figure this thing out.
Areas for improvement
How is it possible it's been five years since you last hosted SNL? I'm sorry, but that's flat-out unacceptable. Get back to Studio 8H and school all the newbies on your charm and charisma. Don't make me call Fallon on you.
your whole deal
Strengths
Yes, I know, this category's kind of vague. But it's critical. The single biggest thing you offer is the totality of your package. (Sorry, that came out wrong — please don't call H.R.) What I mean is, few humans can do everything you do as well as you. You can sing, you can dance, you can act, you're genuinely charismatic and funny and handsome. We should not take your talent for granted.
Weaknesses
And yet we do. I know, it makes no sense. Maybe over the past decade, the whole smooth-as-silk white-boy act just isn't as fun as it used to be. (Do you blame Robin Thicke? I blame Robin Thicke.) Or maybe it's Man of the Woods' confusing camo-and-campfire aesthetic — it's so at odds with the Suit & Tie Justin we used to know. You know as well as I do that there has never been a major pop star who didn't have to reinvent him- or herself to stay popular and relevant, and so it is with you. It's just that what you've evolved into today isn't totally sticking with the culture at large. I know you'll get back there, my man. Give the nostalgia cycle another spin or two, and it'll happen.
Areas for improvement
I'm just spitballing. But I think you should get back with 'N SYNC. CALM DOWN; not full time; let's not go crazy. But do you know how great it was to see the five of you together recently to receive a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame (pictured below)? More to the point, do you have any idea how much goodwill Beyoncé earned for reuniting Destiny's Child at Coachella? Start small; maybe sprinkle an acoustic medley of Tearin' Up My Heart, Bye Bye Bye and It's Gonna Be Me into your tour setlist. Then invite one or two of the guys to join you out on the road every now and then. You know, Joey Fatone still lives near your old home base of Orlando, which is right down the road. Something tells me he'd drop by if you called. What do you say, huh? You'll think about it? Maybe? Hey, that's all I ask.
in conclusion
Like I said, Justin, all of us here love and value what you do. You've had some great successes (seriously, those "History of Rap" Tonight Show vids? The best!), and you still have a bright future ahead of you. If you need a letter of recommendation for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in 2027, please don't hesitate to give me a ring.
I hope you leave here with some fresh ideas about how to make the world love Timberlake '18 the way they loved Timberlake '07. All the pieces are there. And when we see you in concert on Tuesday, there's a very good chance they'll all click.
Grab a Fiji water on your way out. And please don't make it another 11 years before you come back to Tampa. Because I don't just want you to succeed. I want to see you succeed. We all do.
Contact Jay Cridlin at [email protected] or (727) 893-8336. Follow @JayCridlin.
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