Tabloids: Meghan Markle's half-sister speaks! (and says nothing)

IN TOUCH

Cover: As family bonds go, half-sisterhoods range from "as good as the regular kind" to "we see each other occasionally at funerals." Let us be clear: Samantha Grant, Meghan Markle's semi-sibling, is closer to the latter. But give the editors of In Touch points for nerve. They took her interview — which sees her answering questions from "Has Meghan frozen her eggs?" to "Did Harry ask Meghan's dad for permission to marry her?" to "Why didn't Meghan invite you to her first wedding?" with, essentially, "I don't know" — and made it the cover story, behind the headline "The Meghan Only I Know."

Fixer upper: The Property Brothers' Drew has lost weight and is bragging about it and generally trying to shore up his role in all-too-prevalent smutty Property Brothers fan fiction.

Foundational: A photo spread of stars (Claire Danes, Natalie Portman) without makeup reveals that they don't look quite as good that way. I guess I see why the Sam Grant interview was the cover story.

LIFE & STYLE

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Cover: Not to be outdone by ballsy In Touch, Life & Style goes with the headline promising "the truth" about Carrie Underwood's accident and a story that reads more like the editors asking if you've heard anything. She says she had a bad fall at home; the mag yearns to point the finger at hubby Mike Fisher, who wasn't there at the time. Well, why not, Mike? The implied headline here: "Husband leaves house, might as well have thrown country singer off the roof."

Photo finish: Selena Gomez is having a spat with her mom Mandy — they unfollowed each other on Instagram! — over Gomez' rekindled romance with Justin Bieber. Well, I follow Selena, so let me update you, Mandy: she still doesn't look a day over 14.

STAR

Cover: Katie Holmes is getting a lot of hang-up phone calls. She suspects it's Scientologists, trying to ruin her life at Tom Cruise's behest; I suspect it's casting directors offering her work and then coming to their senses, remembering they actually meant to call Kate Winslet.

Taking a powder: Buried in the back is the actual cover story, wherein stars' ex-bodyguards tell secrets, notably one who says he scored cocaine on behalf of Chris Evans and John Mayer. It comes about 20 pages after the pic of Cindy Crawford's daughter touching a balloon.

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