Tabloids: Wedding bells for Justin, Selena, Harry, Meghan, Miley and Liam

LIFE & STYLE

Cover: No sooner did Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez get back together — please, please, let's call them Gober — than Life & Style busily began erecting the wedding tent. Their source for the wedding rumours seems to be Carl Lentz, the suspiciously fame-friendly papster (that's a pastor who's a hipster, please please help me make this happen) behind the church that the dewy duo are attending of late. An insider says the bride's nuptial esthetic is "the bigger the better," so everyone from Stratford, keep checking your mailbox.

Musical chairs: Meanwhile, now that Gomez has split with the Weeknd's Abel Tesfaye, he wants to get back with Bella Hadid, who's sticking with Drake. Canadian music is starting to feel like the small town you had to move away from just to date anyone unfamiliar. And why are the Canadian guys so desirable now? J/K, I know it's about the passport.

OK!

Cover: The cover smile suggests Miley Cyrus is in full manic mode, but no: she has eloped with Liam Hemsworth. Or so says the mag, even though its insider wasn't there and was left to speculate about what the bride might well have been wearing. It also says the groom and bride are both naturally "very low-key," so I am left to assume we're talking about an entirely different lady named Miley Cyrus.

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KISS and making up: Gene Simmons, alias The Selfish Gene, concedes that his Canadian spouse Shannon Tweed is "just superior, morally and ethically, to me — and I suspect all women are to all men." You know what a speech like that means: he did something exceptionally bad lately.

STAR

Cover: That's right, dear reader, everyone's getting married except you. Prince Harry and Meghan Markle are engaged, says the mag. He proposed while they were on a Zambian safari and her reward is "a massive ring, custom-made with diamonds from a brooch of Princess Diana's." I bet they're just another low-key couple, too.

Nip and yuck: The mag's feature on bad plastic surgery is unafraid to name the hottest, most powerful people in showbiz: Carrot Top, Mickey Rourke and Lil Kim. The Pulitzer's in the mail, guys.

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