Each week, Josh Duboff looks at the biggest celebrity news—and amuses himself by imagining how those celebrities might have reacted.
Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel host a fund-raiser at their home for Hillary Clinton.
Jessica pulls a few stems out of a flower arrangement on one of the lunch tables. "Justin!" She looks up and sees Justin sitting at one of the tables, texting. "Justin!"
"Yeah," he murmurs. "What is it, babe?"
"Justin, c'mon. This is serious. Like, a hundred people are about to eat lunch here. Jennifer Aniston. Tobey Maguire. Hillary Clinton. Jamie Foxx . . ."
"That's kind of a weird order, isn't it? Tobey before Hillary? You know this is a fund-raiser for her, right?"
"Oh my God, Justin." She switches two place cards. "Why did we even agree to this? We never have people over."
"That's because you never want to have people over. I'd have people over all the time. Trace, Andy . . . they all wanna come over."
Jessica adjusts the napkin settings on one of the tables. "You're going to take the fedora off before everyone gets here, right?"
"Yes, babe."
Jessica takes a step back to survey the room, and then sits down in one of the chairs at Justin's table. "Sorry, there's just a lot going on. So many preparations; so many people running in and out. She's, you know . . . this is a big deal."
"I know, I get it. I'm anxious, too," Justin puts his phone down, and puts his hand on hers. "So I understand that fedoras are out, but I can wear one of my golf caps, right?"
"It's a free country, Justin." Jessica stands up and walks out of the dining room. "That's the whole reason we're doing this, isn't it? Why we had to import a thousand mini-sashimis that no one's going to eat? Do what you like."
Rihanna and Justin Bieber are seen at the same London club, shortly after Justin deletes his Instagram account.
Rihanna sits down next to Justin in a banquette, both of them nursing drinks. "Justin, Justin, Justin . . ." she says, shaking her head, then cackling.
Justin grins. "Rih, what's happening?"
"It's so cute when I see you trying to sit in a club and drink and ask me questions."
Justin laughs. "Yeah, this is apple juice, actually."
"That's what I assumed."
Justin points in the air as "This Is What You Came For" comes on. Rihanna laughs. "Yep." They both nod to the music for a few moments.
"I like your coat," Justin says.
"Thanks, I like it, too." Rihanna takes the sunglasses she's wearing off. "So how are you holding up, kid? I saw you deleted your I.G.! Drastic moves!"
"Yeah, it just was all getting to be a lot."
"You gotta do what I do, J.B.! Don't look at anything: no comments, no blogs. Just post what you wanna post and then shut it down."
"Yeah, well, it's not always that . . ." Rihanna pulls Justin up, as her friends start dancing around them.
"C'mon, keep drinking that apple juice. Let's dance."
Justin shrugs, protesting feebly. He gestures out into the club. "Do we really want photos? And then it'll be on TMZ: 'Justin Lets Loose in London Club!' They'll Photoshop Selena into some picture of— "
"Justin!" Rihanna shouts. "What would Rihanna do? That's how you gotta think."
Justin squints, contemplating this for a second, and then throws his arms in the air.
Lady Gaga is cast in the new adaptation of A Star Is Born, directed by Bradley Cooper.
Gaga texts Bradley: I saw this painting and I NEEDED you to see it
Gaga: it was in this performance space we were creating in, the other day
Gaga: I found it inspiring, I think you will too, for our work
Bradley: great!
Bradley: look forward to seeing it!
Gaga: just FYI, it's massive, billboard-size, and there's a granite sculpture that's part of it – it's essentially an installation
Gaga: my people are having it all delivered to your house
Bradley: ok great!
10 minutes pass.
Bradley: it's interesting, I was thinking earlier, i feel like both of our careers were MEANT to happen in the way they did expressly so that we could reach this point/project, you know?
Bradley: I was reading through some texts last night, as I start to prep, and I kept thinking, you know…
Bradley: Stef is going to be an archangel in this film, she's going to be the tastiest bowl of grapes, she's going to be a lightning bolt
Gaga: oh Bradley!!!
Bradley: I think we should go on a retreat, for a few weeks, with the whole production
Bradley: to get in the right mindset before we begin filming
Gaga: could not agree more
Gaga: I will supply the incense and animals
Bradley: animals?
Gaga: I think a few rare birds, and maybe some reptiles
Gaga: does that align with your vision?
Bradley: yes!
Ben Affleck takes daughter Violet to Harry Potter and the Cursed Child in London, around the same time as his 44th birthday.
Ben sits on a bench outside his hotel, later that night, smoking a cigarette. Matt Damon calls, and Ben picks up. "Hey."
"What's up? Out saving Gotham?"
"Exactly," Ben says.
"How's London?"
"Eh, it's cold. Food's awful."
"Jesus, you alright over there?"
"Yeah, yeah, everything's fine. We saw the Harry Potter play today."
Matt laughs. "Yeah?"
"It wasn't bad! It's actually got a kind of interesting structure, you've got—"
"No, don't tell me, I want to take the girls soon."
"I can't believe Mr. Matt Damon is getting squeamish about the spoilers for a Harry Potter movie."
"Play, Ben. It's a play."
"Go screw yourself."
They both laugh—Matt louder than Ben—and then Matt asks, "So what's the plan for your birthday?"
"I guess we're all going to go to Montana."
"The whole family?"
"The whole family."
"You know, I'm going to write a play about your . . . you know, someone's gonna write a play—or something—about your life someday."
"And if it's going to be anyone, it should be you." Ben takes a few deep breaths. "You know, maybe I should just move to London?"
"You were just complaining about it a minute ago!"
"Give me a break, Matty." After a few moments of silence, Ben continues, "By the way, you didn't think you were gonna get out of this call without me making fun of you for that ponytail-braid situation of yours, did you? I keep up with the Daily Mail!"
"It's chic, I'm told."
"That's great. It is, it really is," Ben laughs. "Really, your ponytail is the only birthday present I need, from anyone."
Previously: Imagined Celebrity Connections: Drake Reacts to Rihanna's Bates Motel Gig
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