DONUT DETAIL: Our news chewing tour begins in Moncton. A man held up a bank — he fled with $20,000 — then he did something bank robbers don't usually do while making their getaway. He stopped at a Tim Hortons. He was arrested by a police officer who was at the donut shop. Why was the police officer at the donut shop? Well, in New Brunswick, they don't know about the rule that says cops should never visit donut shops because it makes life too easy for joke writers like me.
Trending Stories
BIEBER BULLETIN: Now open in Justin Bieber's hometown in Ontario: The Justin Bieber Museum. It has various personal items that once belonged to Justin, including a pair of his undershorts. In my hometown they have The Snyder Museum. On display: A sock. It's the sock I was wearing the first time I put my foot in my mouth.
CASH STASH: The cashless society is coming. On CBC, an expert predicted all coins will be phased out in Canada within 10 years. Generations from now people will tell their kids about small metal discs that could be thrown into a fountain to make wishes come true.
CAR CHAOS: In Japan, a new type of electric car went from zero to 60 mph in two seconds. I'm no expert on electric cars, but I hear some of them get a thousand volts to the amp.
SLOW STROLL: A new exercise study shows for some people slow walking is better than fast walking. From personal experience, nobody walks slower than the person in the Totem Mall parking lot who's casually strolling past the space I'm waiting to drive into.
HEADS UP: British scientists say they are almost ready to transplant a human head. OK, here's my question: If you transplant a Canadian head onto a British guy's body, which side of the street will he drive on?
UK KFC: Last week's big story from the UK was the chicken shortage. Brits panicked as most KFC outlets were forced to temporarily close due to a lack of chickens. By the way: When Queen Elizabeth eats KFC, her butler licks Her Majesty's finger for her. Also: How can you tell if a chicken is British? Answer: It has a stiff upper beak.
PARROT PARTICULARS: While we're on the topic of birds, in Stratford, Ontario last week, a woman was ticketed by police after she drove her car around town with a parrot perched on her shoulder. She's lucky they didn't charge her with piracy.
SHEEP STUFF: Scientists at Stanford University announced they have created sheep-human hybrid embryos. They're researching ways to grow human organs for transplant. The embryos lived for three weeks with human and sheep DNA. This sounds far-fetched. Maybe they're pulling the wool over our eyes.
FLAT FACT: Flat earth believers are organizing a big conference in Canada for next year. Let me just say, if the world really is flat, by now cats would have pushed everything off the edge.
SOUP SITUATION: Campbell's says sales of soup are way down. Young people don't eat much soup. That's because it's hard to operate a can opener and text at the same time.
POLE POSSIBILITY: Scientists announced the Earth's magnetic fields may soon flip and trade places. One sure sign was when Santa called a real estate agent at the South Pole.
MONEY MEMO: CBC reported many athletes at the Winter Olympics had financial problems. You know you have a money problem when you're halfway down the slope and a repo man grabs your skis.
GAMES GIGGLE: At the Winter Olympics a Russian curler was caught using a banned substance. He was expelled from the Games. Russia punished the guy by making him use his curling broom to sweep all the ice in Siberia.
OLYMPICS: I have to admit I didn't watch a lot of the Olympic events. Here are three reasons why I hated athletes at the Winter Olympics:
1: They were all younger than me.
2: They were all fitter than me.
3: They all had nice hair when they removed their helmets.
Bob Snyder can be reached at: chewsthenews@fastmail.com
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