Tabloids: Striptease, the Next Generation

OK!

Cover: The cover says Mila Kunis opens up "after cheating & divorce scandals," and it seems those really are behind us, as she never brings them up and neither does OK! And it says she talks of "how she overcame her failures as a mom," which aren't identified. We're reminded once again that this magazine's title is not Great!

Dancing days: Demi Moore's 1996 hit Striptease might be remade starring daughter Rumer, according to what U.S. readers will see as a Thanksgiving story, as in "We give thanks that this magazine is not to be believed."

Not popping off: Reunited and spiritually revived, Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez are abstaining from sex. Well, she's abstaining; he's probably just exhausted.

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Cover: The tabloids' moral universe has long been outraged by Julia Roberts taking up with a mere cinematographer (accepted options: fellow movie star, aging director or pop star, plastic surgeon). So this explains the unusual dollop of BS on the cover — it says she's "run off" with Richard Gere amid a $225-million divorce, but neither the running off nor the divorce total is mentioned within. The cinematografella has been moved into the house next door to Julia's — the same move that Jen Garner did with Affleck. The thinking must be "if my husband starts sleeping with someone new, it'd be nice, on quiet summer nights, to sometimes hear it going on."

LIFE & STYLE

Cover: Angelina Jolie has crying fits that last for days — a feat of hydration, if nothing else — and, Brad Pitt's legal documents say, has "no self-regulating mechanism": a term replacing a phrase banned from the courtroom, ending in "as a bedbug." Now he dates lots of cute ladies and Angie must find an obliging fellow movie star, aging director, or surgeon to be dad to Flux, Crux, Oryx, Mojave, Sumter and Balenciaga, and any other kids she grabs off the market.

Dirty deals: Celeb exes Casper Smart and Scott Disick are threatening to write books exposing Jennifer Lopez and the Kardashians respectively. Suggested title for either: You Won't Believe It! No, Seriously, Why Would You Believe It?

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